hoy me siento tan sola!!!

yo sabia que el convertirme en tu esposa no cambiaria tus sentimientos hacia mi, pero tengo la esperanza de que cuando estemos viviendo junots tu puedas darte cuenta de que vivo y pienso solo en ti. Es tan dificil tener que decirte adios todas las noches sabiendo que deverias dormir a mi lado. Es tan dificil tenerte y no tenerte. saber que me perteneces y yo a ti y sin embargo para ti no es tan dificil no estar cerca de mi. hoy me siento tan sola como si no hubiera en el mundo quien me quiera o a quien querer, y me da tristesa pensar que para ti no es igual. Tu sigues con tu vida igual que siempre mientras que yo me muero de la desesperacion de no poder estar a tu lado. de no poder despertar y besar tu boca, de acostarme y no sentir el abrigo de tus brazos. es un imenso dolor en mi pecho el que siento por causa de esta soledad que me consume por dentro. yo te amo y te necesito y quiero ser siempre la mujer que despierte a tu lado. quiero ser la que te cobije por las noches si hace frio quiero hacerte sentir amado y que no temas de nada por que sabes que yo estare ahi. eres mi esposo y te amoa pero tu ami no y eso me dule porque aunque quizas me gane tu carino se que tu amor puede ser un imposible para mi !!!

Evaristo Lopez

Tu, Evaristo Lopez, eres la persona que AMO!!! contigo quiero pasar el resto de mi vida, contigo quiero compartir mis triunfos y alegrias, para que siempre te enorgullescas de mi. Tambien quiero compartir contigo mis triztesas y fracasos para que me des un aliento de apoyo y sepa que me quieres como yo te quiero a ti. A ti, quiero amarte para apoyarte en tus deciciones. Quiero ser la que te aconseje, la que te diga cada noche que te ama, la que te es fiel en todo momento tanto en obra como en pensamiento. Quiero ser tu esposa y señora. Yo quiero ser la que te comprenda y te ayude a levantar si algun dia te sientes derrotado. Tu eres un hombre bueno y te mereces lo mejor. Tal vez yo no se a lo mejor pero TE AMO CON TODO EL CORAZON y siempre te voy a AMAR. A tu lado el mundo se vuelve solo de los dos, y la luna brilla solo para alumbrar nuestro andar, y las estrellas con su belleza encienden la pasion entre tu y yo. Hoy quiero decirte que para mi no hay otro, solo tu. En mis ojos solo se refleja tu cara y me siento tan Feliz de poder llamarte mi amo. Yo sere tu abrigo en tiempos de frio y sere el castillo donde puedas estar siempre seguro. Sere tu esclava y lo que pidas hare sin importar cuan absurdo pueda parecer. Yo jamas dudare de ti. Tu siempre seras el hombre de mis sueños y de mis pensamientos, el tormento dulce que viva dentro de mi alma. Tu Evaristo Lopez, seras mi hombre y yo con orgullo y con suma felicidad me llamare tu mujer!!! TE AMO!!!

Not sure what to name this blog...

I have been living a new life and it's probably not the best life I have lived but I am surely trying to make a difference in the way that I live my life.

Its somewhat confusing so let me explain it a bit. I live with a friend and her family, and they all have been very good to me. I currently don't work but am planning on job hunting until I find any job possible. I need to start bringing some income into the house of this nice family.

I am making changes in the way that I care for my daughter as well. I visit her almost everyday and I spend time with her and well my sis because somehow I can't seem to live her behind. I go to church every sunday as long as I have a ride and I am trying to change my physical appearance aas well.

I need to look better if I want to feel better and I think I am doing a very good job with it. I am currently infatuated with a lovely guy who seems to correspond to my affection at times. Sometimes he is cruel and others he is sweet. I think that all the changes in my life right now might intimidate him but I want to remind him that part of the changes I am making is for him. I want to be someone desireable but if I cant liek myself no one else will. Which is why I am trying to change my physical self.

I want to go to college pretty soon while holding a job and taking care of my responsibilities. I am very confident that although it will be tough I will be able to do the things that I have set for myself.

Right now though I feel very proud of myself for all the improvemnet that I have made already.

I say unto myself: KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!

LA DIFERENCIA Lyrics - Vicente Fernandez

Aunque malgastes el tiempo sin mi carino

Y aunque no quieras este amor que yo te ofresco

Y aunque no quieras pronunciar mi humilde nombre

de cualquier modo yo te seguire queriendo

yo se que nunca tu podras jamas quererme

que a tu carino llegue demasiado tarde

no me desprecies,

no es mi culpa,

no seas mala

por que tu eres

de quien quiero enamorarme

que dano puedo hacerte con quererte

si no me quieres tu yo te comprendo

perfectamente se que no naci yo para ti

pero que puedo hacer si ya te quiero

dejame vivir de esta manera

yo te quiero tal cual y sin condiciones

sin esperar quen un dia tu me quieras como yo

conciente estoy mi amor que nunca me querras

tal vez manana yo despierte solo

pero por el momento quiero estar sonando

no me despiertes tu

no ves que haci yo soy feliz

conciente estoy mi amor

que no eres para mi

no hay necesidad que me desprecies

tu ponte en mi lugar a ver que harias

la diferencia entre tu y yo

talvez seria corazon

que yo en tu lugar si te amaria

Esta cancion te la dedico a ti mi Evaristo! Te Quiero!!!

A cry of sadness!

What have I done for the past few years of my life? What has happened in my life that has made me who I am now. Today! I am absolutely nothing I have nothing to offer my daughter and I have nothing to look forward to. I am loosing my daughter and I am being really selfish by not allowing her to go with a family that will perhaps make her forget that she has such a shitty mom. I know I am not ready to be a mother, but I am not ready to let go off from my little angel. I am lost in despair thinking every single day about what will happen when the day comes when I do have to separate from her for a very long time. I am scared of loosing her forever. I am scared of rejection from her. I am scared that she will not forgive me for not being able to be a mother for her. For letting her grow in a family that was once mine and now it will be hers. I fear that I might have to hear her call someone else mother and not remember that it was I who gave life to her. I am fearful that she will not remember that I love her and that what I did was all for her. I know that I leave her on her own many times and that I am not always there when she needs a mother to give her a hug and to tell her that she loves her. I am not always there to put her asleep pr to take her to the bathroom when she needs to go an she is being trained. I know that she cries because I am not there and that she asks for me when she doesn't see me for a long time. I care about he I really do but I know in my heart and in my conscience that I am hurting her and that she needs a full time mother. I know that I don't deserve to be a mother but I am too much of a coward to let go off her because I know that I will be hurting and that I will no longer have any right to claim her my daughter. I know I lost her already and I know that I will never ever deserve t0 be called mom by my little angel. I LOVE YOU NEOMI! I am sorry I am not the mother you need!

Miracles do Exist!

A few days ago I found myself feeling very depressed and absolutly worthless. My daughter's birthday is coming up, tomorrow that is, and with the struggle of finding a job and being unsuccesful I realized I had absolutly no money for a birthday gift. I was on the top of the cliff just about ready to let myself go, but then it occured to me to seek help and find someone that could help me find a job so that in the near future I didn't have to see myself facing the same challenge all over again. So I called DeAnna (the Teacher's Assistant at Lindsay) and she reminded me that the Street of Dreams program would be starting soon and that maybe I could speak to the director of the program Teresa Gunn. I then thought to myself why wait until the class starts?, why not call her now?, and so I did and she told me to call a man, named Joseph, who works at the Metro Career center in City Heights, who just might be able to help me. Joseph was extremely kind with me and he told me to come see him right away and when I went to his office he explained to me that they could help me undergo some training and then I could get help with job placement. Today I saw Teresa Gunn again at the Street of Dreams class and she reminded me that I am not alone in this world and that there are good people out there who are willing to help people like me. I know that Teresa is miracle in my life and I know that she is a miracle worker for many other young people. I know that miracles do in fact exist. I don't feel lonely anymore because I realize that she is right. There are many great people in my life now that are good-hearted and that stand by my side. I am so blessed for having them in my life and I know in my heart that I will be able to go through the challenges that I am facing now, one way or the other. I will not let myself be broken apart by the struggles of life. I can see now that these struggles bring miracles to our lifes if we are only patient and we seek help from those who are right beside us. Teresa said something to me today that I know is true and I know that she told me this today because miracles exist. She said: Stay close to the people that make you feel 10 feet tall, because these are the people who will help you make things happen for you, and stay away from those that make you feel like shit, because these are the people that won't help at all. Thank you very much Teresa Gunn for your words. Thank you God for sending me this great miracle, and to everyone else: I'd like to ask you to be patient, but do seek for your own miracle worker, because Miracles do Exist!

Note to Lindsay Students.

Dear Lindsay students,
I'd like to share some words with you that maybe can work as a bit of encouragement to help you in your way to success. I'd like to let you all know that each and everyone of you is here today because you have a son or daughter or maybe both. You are all here because you are wonderful women and because you want to succeed. You all have the same goal in life as every mother here at Lindsay, to become a great mother and to make your children proud of you. I am very content to say that I am a Lindsay Graduate and I am looking forward to see each and everyone of you graduate. I want to tell you all that the struggles are always going to be there and that no matter what you must not give up. We are the women that people say "don't have a future' because we got pregnant at a young age. We are the women that men look as trash because we have a child. We are the women that cry in silence because we know once we cry we are ready to get up and walk with our heads high. We are strong women facing a life full of judgment. You are all Lindsay students and you are all going to succeed in life. Its all a matter of having a desire to do so. It's only a matter of wanting to do so and not letting anybody tell you that you can't. We are women that care about our future and we stand together to support each other, because we are all hungry for success and because we all have the determination to not let society predict our future. We are all here to help each other and we know that we are not perfect, but we look forward to becoming the best parent we can and the best way we can do that is by setting the example for our children and become educated, finish high school and go onto college to give our children a better future. I'd like to let you all know that you all have my support and that I will be here to help out if you need something, an advice or a smile, maybe even a chat or just someone to listen to you. Lindsay is my second home and thus you are all my family. I love you all! -Ana Meza