A cry of sadness!

What have I done for the past few years of my life? What has happened in my life that has made me who I am now. Today! I am absolutely nothing I have nothing to offer my daughter and I have nothing to look forward to. I am loosing my daughter and I am being really selfish by not allowing her to go with a family that will perhaps make her forget that she has such a shitty mom. I know I am not ready to be a mother, but I am not ready to let go off from my little angel. I am lost in despair thinking every single day about what will happen when the day comes when I do have to separate from her for a very long time. I am scared of loosing her forever. I am scared of rejection from her. I am scared that she will not forgive me for not being able to be a mother for her. For letting her grow in a family that was once mine and now it will be hers. I fear that I might have to hear her call someone else mother and not remember that it was I who gave life to her. I am fearful that she will not remember that I love her and that what I did was all for her. I know that I leave her on her own many times and that I am not always there when she needs a mother to give her a hug and to tell her that she loves her. I am not always there to put her asleep pr to take her to the bathroom when she needs to go an she is being trained. I know that she cries because I am not there and that she asks for me when she doesn't see me for a long time. I care about he I really do but I know in my heart and in my conscience that I am hurting her and that she needs a full time mother. I know that I don't deserve to be a mother but I am too much of a coward to let go off her because I know that I will be hurting and that I will no longer have any right to claim her my daughter. I know I lost her already and I know that I will never ever deserve t0 be called mom by my little angel. I LOVE YOU NEOMI! I am sorry I am not the mother you need!

Miracles do Exist!

A few days ago I found myself feeling very depressed and absolutly worthless. My daughter's birthday is coming up, tomorrow that is, and with the struggle of finding a job and being unsuccesful I realized I had absolutly no money for a birthday gift. I was on the top of the cliff just about ready to let myself go, but then it occured to me to seek help and find someone that could help me find a job so that in the near future I didn't have to see myself facing the same challenge all over again. So I called DeAnna (the Teacher's Assistant at Lindsay) and she reminded me that the Street of Dreams program would be starting soon and that maybe I could speak to the director of the program Teresa Gunn. I then thought to myself why wait until the class starts?, why not call her now?, and so I did and she told me to call a man, named Joseph, who works at the Metro Career center in City Heights, who just might be able to help me. Joseph was extremely kind with me and he told me to come see him right away and when I went to his office he explained to me that they could help me undergo some training and then I could get help with job placement. Today I saw Teresa Gunn again at the Street of Dreams class and she reminded me that I am not alone in this world and that there are good people out there who are willing to help people like me. I know that Teresa is miracle in my life and I know that she is a miracle worker for many other young people. I know that miracles do in fact exist. I don't feel lonely anymore because I realize that she is right. There are many great people in my life now that are good-hearted and that stand by my side. I am so blessed for having them in my life and I know in my heart that I will be able to go through the challenges that I am facing now, one way or the other. I will not let myself be broken apart by the struggles of life. I can see now that these struggles bring miracles to our lifes if we are only patient and we seek help from those who are right beside us. Teresa said something to me today that I know is true and I know that she told me this today because miracles exist. She said: Stay close to the people that make you feel 10 feet tall, because these are the people who will help you make things happen for you, and stay away from those that make you feel like shit, because these are the people that won't help at all. Thank you very much Teresa Gunn for your words. Thank you God for sending me this great miracle, and to everyone else: I'd like to ask you to be patient, but do seek for your own miracle worker, because Miracles do Exist!