new year 2015

today is the last day of the year 2014.  I am very pleased to say that many good things happened to me this year.  one of the best things was being able to be a part of my daughter Neomi's everyday life.  I was able to be a full time mother and I felt really proud of myself.

 another one of the best things that happened this old year was receiving the blessing of a new life.  thats right, my newborn Osiris.  Osiris was born on December 19 of the present year 2014.

these two young ladies are my reason to believe that this new year will be filled with new challenges and joys.  it will be filled with many new blessings and many more happy moments.  I am really looking forward to seeing what the new year will bring.

i don't regret anything that happened this year 2014 however i do know that many things that I did throughout the year I want to change.  there are many parts of my life that I want to leave behind so that i can start a fresh new life this new year.  my goal for the 2015 is simply to stay focused on all the goals that I have set for my future.  I have many new goals for my life that include my two daughters, where there is no room for failure and for bad habits.  I am very please to say that i feel very proud of myself for making the choice to change my life.

well I have nothing much to say just that I wish everyone a happy  new year 2015

 

CHANGES!!!

Today is November 30! I placed my Christmas tree along with my sister and of course my daughter Junieth.  It was FUN!! even though there was no theme for it, it turned out looking lovely.  It's full of color and it has many many ornaments.  Nothing really matches, however I believe it looks gorgeous the way it turned out. 

Any ways... I am sitting in the living room, its's all dark and quiet.  The only lights are those of the Christmas tree and the computer screen, the only sound is that of the fish's (Nico) water filter. Im just here thinking that this year as been very crazy, and I am thinking that I really want it to be the last year of my life being a total disaster. I don't want to keep on depending on others to be happy I don't want to keep on failing to be a good daughter, and of course a good mother. I want to be a better sister, and I want to be a better friend.  But how? I guess I will have to discover that part out on my own as the year begins and as it progresses. I do, however, have some ideas on some of the changes I want to make.  

• Not starting next year but as soon as my baby Osiris is born( which could be any day now) i want to start making changes in my living style.  I have already made the choices to eat better.  I have seen results already as for I have not gained more weight than I should have during my whole pregnancy. So as soon as my daughter Osiris is born I will begin walking my daughter, Neomi, to school, this way, on my way back I can stop by the park and walk for an hour every weekday. I have already told my daughter Neomi about this and she is very excited about walking to school, so I'm sure it won't be to hard to keep up with this plan. the reasons I put this first it's because I have many issues with the way I look physically. even though I no longer feel like my physical appearance is something that causes depression in my life, I know that i will feel much much better with myself if I do this for me. I want to be able to wear all that cute clothes that I like, and have energy everyday to get out there and meet new people with out feeling like all they look at is my big body. 

• This brings me to the next point.  This next year I really want to make some changes in my hobbies.  I want to continue blogging, but I want to take it to the next level.  I want to start being able to upload videos where I talk about issues or progress in my life.  I currently don't do it for the same reason above (image issues). I want to continue watching tutorials from the lovely ladies I follow, and as I finish a project, i want o keep talking about my experience doing it and sharing it via my other blog.  But... one of the experiences I want to talk about and I want to record and keep updating and blogging about will be my challenge and success with the new changes in my lifestyle.  I want to record weekly, biweekly, or monthly (not sure) all my progress, or maybe the difficulties i have had. I will most likely do that via this blog since its more personal however I might consider doing it on LOPEZ Blog since I want others to be able to see a success story and feel like they too can do anything they desire.  I guess I will have to really think about where to post it.

 

• Well some of the other projects that I want to do via LOPEZ will be the scrapbook for Osiris, like I said the projects i do from other tutorials, and well I also want to start working on the Trip to San Felipe scrap, and the siters scrap! I will also try to do monthly updates of just about anything important I feel I should share. (like this) And I want to start a Diary on paper where I can apply all the decorating ideas I have gotten from all the tutorials.  

• I have become a real big fan of MIUMIKU MIAU  and there are so many things I want to do following her example so I will keep that posted to. Well the way I see it i have many many projects to do for the following year.  I will definetly need to manage my time wisely and I am sure I can do it because I really want to make things better for myself and for my two daughters.  

I wrote a lot today and I really feel like from here on I will be writing more and more because with all the changes I want to make I will be able to fill pages and pages on any notebook,  and I will be able to write and write blogs about all my progresses.  

I will be needing lots of will power and discipline, please help me stay motivated. 

 WITH LOVE,

 ME!!!

One year with HER!

     Last year, on September 11, I was able to get my child's custody back. I remember how many times I cried because I felt really bad leaving her with my mom.  I also remember how much I resented my mother for making it so difficult for me to get my daughter back.  Today, however, I understand that it wasn't my mother, but me.  I was the one that kept making mistake after mistake. Yet, today I feel so happy to finally be able to be 100% mother. I missed out on those four years without my baby, but I never ever want to be without her.  

     It has been a challenging year because, I have to learn how to be a mother again.  All the responsibilities that implies being with  my daughter.  I have put her through unsafe and unsanitary conditions because I was still not getting the point of what being a mother is all about. We were homeless for a while going from home to home. I am not proud of that.  Today, even though we are back with my mother I am taking all the responsibility for my daughter.  I didn't know how much I loved Neomi until now.  I know that I never ever want to let her down, ever again. 

Today I look back at the past and I realize that yes, I was a bad mother, and yes I neglected my daughter, and yes, I abandoned her, but I suffered a lot without her too. I see today that I hurt myself more than I thought, worst of all, I hurt my little angel.  I know that someday she will be able to understand many things, and I hope that she will be able to forgive me. I still can't forgive myself even though I know that I am doing things better now, and even though that I know that I have made the right choice by realizing how much I needed my daughter next to me, and fighting for her to be by my side once again.

She is a happy little girl today and I am very grateful for that. I just want to keep on making each day a day for us and a day to be together and hug each other. I love my daughter. I love my Neomi.  

There is one more thing that I did wrong, I hadn't mentioned it. I am pregnant again from a man who will never care for his child.  However, I promise myself and my daughter that it will be the last stupid mistake that I will make again.  Neomi and I are now expecting a new baby girl at home.  She is very happy, I AM TOO, but I know that it shouldn't have been like that.  Yet after realizing that I had messed up again I decided that I don't want to live a life like the one I had been living.  

I am positive that I want to dedicate my entire time to take care of the needs of my two baby girls.  Neomi and Osiris.  "So Heavenly Father, I thank you for allowing me to make my life better, I thank you for giving me the opportunity to be with my daughter once again, and I thank you for all the blessings that you give me every day. I just pray to you that you may guide me through this new life, I pray that you may give me the strength to fight against temptations and that you can give me the strength to move forward with my daughters.  Please bless my Neomi and make Osiris be born healthy.  Bless my family and all those who need your love.  I pray this in the name of your beloved son, Jesus Christ. Amen"

uncomfortable situation

Lopez

what do you do when you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation?

what do we do when we find ourselves struggling to get up every day?



I thought everything would be good, there where so many promises made.  so many things that where said that really made it easy to fall for someone. but what happens when you decide to make the commitment and everything becomes a lie?  all the things you where told and all the promises flew away.  I am not sure what to do everything changed and I really want to make things right for us but I am not sure what to do at this point.

my life has become so sad, I live in fear, I don't feel free to do what I like.  I don't want to live like this but I am afraid of what could happen if I ever left.  maybe things will be better with me, but what a bout her? what about that innocent girl that sees everything?  she doesn't have to suffer because I make mistakes. true I was warned about all this but I cannot escape.  I care for him a lot but I am not sure how much he cares for me.  he sais soo many things and says that he loves me but where is the love when he gets angry? where is the feeling of caring for someone when he disagrees with what I believe?  what should I do?  I need some advice I need some help?  HELP!!! please somebody just help me decide what to do.